Dark Shadows Episode 23

How long has it been since I watched an episode of Dark Shadows? Seems like forever. I've just had to re-read my last couple of posts to remind myself of what is going on, in this little town called Collinsport that we all love so well. *Ahem* Anyway...

So, Creepy Uncle Roger is convinced that Burke of the Chin tried to kill him, when really it was his own son, Devil Child David; A local Constable is on his way up to the house to ask a few questions; Vicky W is convinced that the truth about her past is somehow tied up with the Collins family, on account of Burkes private eye asking some awkward questions; Burke has called in some kind of back-up to help him in whatever it is he's actually doing; and Sam the Riddler has accepted a commission to paint Burkes portrait.

You'll notice that Burke of the Chin is pretty much omnipresent. This is as it should be.

Join me now as I jump headfirst back into the show with episode 23. Watch it here, if you'd like.

Let's see what words of poetic wisdom Vicky W has for us, in her now traditional opening voiceover;

My name is Victoria Winters. On the surface, the day at Collinwood seems calm and serene; nothing could be more normal than my preparing to teach a young boy his school lessons, yet there is an undercurrent; a tension that is felt everywhere; a tension that reaches out, and builds, and waits to break free...

She can be a bit melodramatic at times, can Vicky W. It's why we love her.

Anyway, the Constable has arrived for his little chat with Creepy Uncle Roger! It's about time; he rang the house about three episodes ago. Roger wastes no time in spouting his theory that his accident wasn't; an accident that is. Will the 5-0 think he trippin'? We'll see.

The Constable

Rogers sis, Elizabeth, aka Lady of the Manor, pops her head in for a couple of minutes to tell him, and remind us, about what's been going on with Vicky W and the guy asking questions. His response is, literally and in so many words, "I can't be bothered with this." Compassion, thy name is Creepy Uncle Roger.

I like this Constable fella, mind. As soon as Roger starts in on his theory he knows straight away that he's going to blame Burke. No flies on this dude. We'll have to wait and see what happens here; I can't believe the writer is going to allow a reasonable and intelligent character to stay that way for long.

Anyway, up in his room, Devil Child David The Daddy Killer is having his lessons; you know, just like Vicky W talked about at the top of the show. Well, I say he's getting his lessons; what he's actually doing is reading aloud from a book while Vicky looks on with a slightly vacant look in her eye. When he finishes, she tells him that he reads well, then immediately tries to move on to another subject. Of course he reads well, he's about 12, I'd be worried if he couldn't read! Now discuss the book with him! Strip it of it's life by over analysing every single line to the point that it begins to lose all meaning. That's what we did when I read books at school.

David starts to quiz her about whether she's ever tried to kill someone, and what does she think would have been her punishment if she had? He's really not being subtle, and it's not even the first time he's had this conversation, with her and others, so it's a bit shocking that no-one has figured out that he's shitting his pants over the fact that he was the one who tried to kill Roger. Ah well, we've got the Constable now, he'll figure it all out. Right?

Will no-one notice my torment?

Downstairs, said Constable is getting the facts from Roger and Elizabeth. Gotta say, I love this guy! Roger is telling him what happened and he just drops in;

"Was my phone out of order?"

all casual like, and then when Roger is all confused he gives him a right old telling off. Roger should have called him immediately instead of waiting 12 hours and he shouldn't have gone to see Burke because;

"Well that's just great. Nothing like giving a suspected criminal a little advance notice."

Why did I call this man? Whyyyy?

Seriously, the guy is brill. I want him to be in every episode ever from now on. He demands to speak to Vicky W and when Elizabeth goes up to get her, David freaks out about the police being in the house. No-one notices of course, because they aren't Constable Awesome.

The next scene has Roger constantly interrupting Vicky W as she tells her tale to Constable Awesome, and Constable Awesome verbally bitch slapping him for it. Roger is thinking twice about getting this guy involved, I can promise you that.

As the scene unfolds Constable Awesome lays out all the reasons why it's possible Burke of the Chin wasn't guilty, and how he's damn well gonna investigate properly before he jumps to any conclusions. Fuck yeah!! But wait, who should be outside the door, eavesdropping on their every utterance? Why, it's Devil Child David! Looking none too happy with what he's just heard.

Busted!

Although to be fair, staring into the camera with a crazed look in his eye is how this kid plays asking for extra milk on his cereal, so maybe he's not bothered at all. Maybe he's thinking about puppies.

Anyway... Constable Awesome decides to check out the garage where the sabotage took place, and he takes Vicky W and Creepy Roger with him. Elizabeth stays behind though, because, well, someone has to call out the Devil Child on his ridiculous hiding in the same spot he always hides in. Seriously, pick another spot now and then little dude.

David asks Elizabeth about fingerprints and whether someone might go to prison if, say, their prints were on the wrench that done did the sabotage. And still she doesn't cotton on. How dense are these people?

Before too long, the intrepid investigators return, and Constable Awesome, because he is the only human character in the scene, starts talking to David in a friendly and natural manner. Like a kindly uncle or somesuch. Roger just hurls abuse at David, as is his fatherly duty.

Constable Awesome has the wrench in his hands, wrapped in a handkerchief for safe keeping, because he's a stickler for forensic procedure, but when he gets a phone call he drops the wrench on the table, right in front of David. While he takes the call, the other characters all move into positions and studiously look anywhere but at the wrench. Is this David's chance?

What's he thinking? I'll give you three guesses.

Yep, he tries to reach for it, presumably to wipe it clean with the conveniently placed handkerchief, fingerprints for the removal of. But what's this?!? Vicky W catches him at it and stops him. Of course, she just thinks he's being a nosy kid and thinks no more of it. I'll say it again; dense.

Thwarted in his first attempt to pervert the course of justice; or is that the cause of justice, I'm not sure now, but you know what I mean; David comes up with an new strategy;

 He knocks the wrench onto the floor and bends down to pick it up.

Roger hells at him for being stupid.

 Constable Awesome says it's ok because he wasn't to know.

 Roger wails that David will have put his fingerprints all over it now.

And David looks smug as.

Or he would, you assume, if he could express emotion. Instead he just stares into the distance with a blank expression on his face. But you know he's feeling pretty smug on the inside.

That's the episode. We get a brilliant new character, Vicky W looks pretty if nothing else, Elizabeth fluffs at least one line in every scene and Devil Child David proves once again that he is a criminal genius. If a whiny one.

At least now that Constable Awesome is on the case we might get a bit of proper plot momentum in the coming episodes. I say we might... we won't. But it's nice to dream.

Join me next time when we'll see Sam the Riddler berate his daughter, Burke of the Chin looking smug, and Constable Awesome solve the Jack the Ripper killings. Possibly.

Until then, peace.

Strange Paradise Episode 3

G'day to you, fellow travelers in the realm of bizarre soap opera land. It's been a while since last we checked in with the denizens of this Strange Paradise, but from what I can remember; Raxl and Quinto have gone down some  possibly time traveling steps; Jacques/Jean Paul was alternately talking to his dead wife, or a painting of Bill Compton, depending on which of his personalities was in control at the time; and Doc Carr and Forrest are in a pub, getting sloshed and also possibly getting conned by a painter dude.

This show is f*ck'n insane, people.

Join me now as I delve into episode 3; you can watch along here, if you'd like.

We get a nice shot of the mansion house, then pop inside to meet Raxl and Quinto coming back from the tunnel they went into at the end of last episode, with no explanation as to what they did while they were gone. I call bullshit, as our American cousins are wont to utter.

Raxl has a bit of a chunter about fighting to free themselves from Jacques, and the camera zooms in on his crypt. Unfortunately you can barely make out the name on the plaque, so in the next shot they have to zoom in on his portrait, just so people know what's happening. Top notch directing there, Mr Director Man. Then we get the opening titles; they're not hanging about.

Oh NO! When we come back from titles we're still on the picture, but it's an empty frame! Whatever could that signify????

We don't have time to wonder though, cos almost as soon as it registers what you're looking at they cut away to Raxl hugging the coffin of Jean Paul's dead wife and muttering some portentous rubbish. Then she has a chat with Quinto in which she drops some leaden exposition about some place called the Temple of the Serpent. Seriously, she's talking about something completely different and then BOOM!

"For the love of God! Don't tell anyone about the temple!"

All right missus, calm down, he wasn't going to, ffs.

Then some more melodramatic waffle. I swear, 2 minutes in and I just want to strangle her. We. Get. The. Point. Of course, if you actually listen to what she's saying, she's basically just explaining the plot of the last 2 episodes. In case the audience had forgotten what had happened yesterday.

When she does finally shut up we cut to a priest giving a sermon to TV's funkiest ever congregation.

Funky!

Once they've all filed out the Priest, whose name is Matt, but whom I shall call Ted, because he looks like Ted McGinley, is accosted by one of the congregation. Take a look at that screenshot again. Can you guess which one it is. I bet you can.

Yep, it's the blonde with the ridiculously large sunglasses. Did you think she was blind? I thought she was blind. She's not blind.

Anyway, she's having a pop at him because she thought they were friends but he helped her mother put her in a 'house for kooks.' Bad Priest!

The scene takes the guise of a heart to heart between the two of them but it's basically another big old info-dump; she and her mother hate each other, her father left his fortune to her and when she turns 21 she plans to cut her mother off. I don't know who her mother is, or who her father was, but I'm sure that will all become clear. They're probably devil worshiping pygmies.

Next scene

Yep, she's still talking to the coffin. More waffle about fighting Jacques. Then she and Quinto head back down to the temple. They were already down there at the start of the ep. So... they came out just to explain the plot to a dead woman? Is that what just happened? Moving on.

Blonde lass is still at the church. Her mother has shown up. They're having a bit of argy bargy. I'm sure this will be important later, but for now it's just tedious. Moving on.

Oh God, we're back with Raxl and Quinto. They're making their way down into some caves. How deep are these bloody catacombs? Raxl gets herself nicely positioned in amongst some rather naff looking symbolic squiggles on the floor and starts shouting again. She does like to shout.

Understated

She wants the devil to come and have a chat with her. He doesn't show up. I mean, be honest, would you? It's possible he would have come, and was just putting his coat on, or was on the loo or something, because she doesn't give him much time to respond before going off on one and announcing that she's gonna use all this magic she apparently has to fight 'THE EVIL THAT IS [THE DEVILS] ONLY ALLY.'

She's not one for subtlety, is Raxl.

Back at the Church, Reverend Ted is still having a bit of trouble with his two lady visitors. The Mother is saying that unless the Daughter; whose name is Holly, which may or may not have been mentioned before; goes back to the institution she'll have her dragged back. Holly storms off and Ted has some stern words for her Mother.

We stop in with Raxl and Quinto just long enough for Raxl to send Quinto off to pick up the cryogenics folk who are coming to freeze the bosses dead wife - bet you'd forgotten them, hadn't you - and then we're straight back to the church.

Reverend Ted is trying to convince Holly's mother to be nicer to her. I don't think it's gonna work, to be honest, but fair play to him.

Mind yo business, motherf*ck*r

No, hang on. I've changed my mind. I think he's trying to convince her to get Holly sectioned so she can keep control of the fortune. It's hard to tell; either he can't act, or it's very badly written. Has to be one of the two, cos it can't be both, right? Right?

Raxl is still shouting abuse at the Devil. The Devil is turning up his music to drown her out.

The vicar is flip-flopping again. Holly's mother is calling him out on it.

Raxl is shouting. I don't think she's shouting at the Devil anymore. I think she's shouting at God. Why God should pay attention to someone who is standing in a Serpent Temple and has just decided to start using the old magics again, is beyond me. Still, Raxl knows best, I'm sure.

Oooh, get this, the Mother is accusing Priestly Ted of being in love with Holly. Is he? Who knows? The smart money based on his reaction

Busted

is yes. But then, given his contradictory behaviour throughout this episode, it's hard to care. I mean tell. It's hard to tell.

The episode ends with intercutting scenes of Raxl leaving the tomb to talk to her bosses dead wife for a bit and then head upstairs where we see that Bill Compton is back in his painting, and Ted stripping himself of his priestly garb and heading off to '...find Holly. And myself.' Oh, doesn't the dialogue just sing?

There is, at a generous estimate, about 5 minutes worth of actual plot, and maybe another 5 of character developing dialogue in this episode. The rest is, quite literally, Raxl standing in various sets and yelling at the sky. It is incredibly annoying. The contrast to the first couple of episodes, where the plot moves like gangbusters, is shocking. Hard to believe it's the same writer.

Join me next week (assuming I don't disappear for 4 months again) when we'll see whether this is our lot, or whether he'll remember that there is actually meant to be a story of some kind.

Until then, on this blog, I am God.

Dark Shadows Episode 22

Last time on Dark Shadows the local constable annnounced that he was coming up to Collinwood to enquire about Roger's accident, and Bill had a pop at Burke of the Chin about trying to kill Roger. Burke responded by being cool and then calling in some kind of acquaintance or other, because 'things are starting to happen.'

Will we find out what Burke is up to this episode? I doubt it, but we can hope.

Without further ado, let's get into Episode 22 (Watch along here if you like)

We begin, as ever, with the dulcet voice over skills of the delectable Vicky W:

My name is victoria Winters. I am more certain than ever that somehow, the mystery of my past is entwined with the mystery of Collinwood itself; a mystery that echoes through all of Collinsport, reaching out to others as well; people who are searching for answers of their own.

Burke of the Chin turns up on Maggies doorstep. He claims that he's there to visit Sam but we all know his game by now; it's Maggie in her nightie he's after. They proceed to have a long chat about murder and manslaughter and broken tea cups and it's all very tense, with Burke managing to terrify her without really trying. I guess he just has that kind of face.

Scared Maggie is adorable

There was one moment in their conversation that really made me chuckle; she asks him if he has heard about Roger Collins accident the night before and he just sort of sighs and says 'several times.' I feel your pain Oh Chinly One, believe me I do.

Meanwhile, in the cafe; which they all keep insisting on calling a restaurant, because they're wrong; Sam himself has just arrived to grab himself a cuppa and who should be there but Roger, fresh from being an obnoxious tit (I'm assuming that part) to his insurance agent. Sam invites himself to sit with Roger, who's not best pleased.

Not Best Pleased

The two of them argue about the merits of lying to protect yourself, of involving the police in matters best kept private, and of the nutritional value of doughnuts. And Burke, of course. Because it's illegal to have a conversation in this town that doesn't involve Burke. Roger acts like a shit and makes Sam the Riddler angry,

Anfry

but by the end of the conversation, poor old Sam is sad instead. Sam is often left sad at the end of conversations. You'd think he's learn to keep his head down. Live like a hermit old son, it works for me!

While Sam is busy drinking coffee and being belittled by the hoi polloi, Burke is still over at his house, chatting up his daughter. The undercurrent of threat remains, and Maggie is doing a decent job of looking terrified, but the gist seems to be that Burke has nothing against Sam and just wants to be mates again. Burke is confusing!

Sam comes home with all of his art equipment, which I don't remember seeing in the cafe scene but hey ho, and is immediately put out by Burkes's prescence in his house. It's ok, Sam, he just wants to be mates, calm down! Of course, Sam being Sam, he takes it out on Maggie.

Stop taking it out on Maggie, you shit!

Dysfunctional, their relationship is.

Turns out, the real reason Burke has come to see Sam is to ask him to paint his portrait. Well, I say that's the real reason; it's the reason Burke is giving this week. I doubt the writer even knows what Burke is really up to. Sam is reluctant, but Maggie talks him into it. I predict loads of 20 minute scenes of Sam and Burke sitting on either side of an easel from here on in.

Scene ends with Burke explaining that the painting needs to be about the right size to fill the wall above the fireplace in Collinwood house. Just to remind us he's a shady bastard.

Up at the house Caroline is turning down dates with Apparently Still Main Squeeze Even Though It Seemed For All The World Like He Was Dumping Her A Couple Of Episodes Ago Joe, so that she can hang around and fawn over Roger when he gets home. And by fawn over I mean flirt outrageously. Seriously, her feelings for him are seriously dodgy; was teenage niece/middle aged uncle a more accepted thing in the 60's? Can't have been, right?

Oh Uncle Roger, you brave beast!

Uh-Oh, trouble amongst our favourite incestou-flirts! Caroline is being forced to choose between her long held longings for her creepy uncle and her newfound, but no less intense, desire to be spanked by Burke of the Chin; and she's tending toward Burke! Roger isn't happy about this at all and storms off upstairs to talk to Vicky W. He'll have no luck there; she doesn't think Burke did it either. Hang on, he's not going upstairs after all. Caroline has followed him and kept him talking. I WANNA SEE VICKY W DAMMIT!

He gets agitated and starts blurting out some shit he probably shouldn't. Caroline is seeing a whole other side to Sexy Uncle Roger here and she doesn't like it. Could he be willing to send an innocent man to prison, just because it's convenient for him? Damn right he could, Caroline. What do you think happened 10 years ago with Burke? I know these scripts are playing it vague but it's pretty fucking obvious that's what happened. Pay attention woman!

Anyway, it's almost the end of the show but we get a little coda over at Sams house. Sam, not being the brightest bulb in the dead bulb drawer has only just now realised what was blindingly obvious to the viewer; namely that if Burke wants to sit for a portrait, he must not be planning to leave town in a couple of days, like he said he was. Burke's response?

Yeah, The Chin be lookin' smug!

And that's it. End of episode. I'll be here on Thursday with an episode of Strange Paradise, and next tuesday with episode 23 of Dark Shadows. Don't you bally well miss 'em, y'hear?