Dark Shadows Episode 31

Last episode, Burke barged in on a big old Accuse David Of Being A Murder Baby party and whipped out that little metal doodad that everyone made all the fuss about. Will he drop David in the shoite? Will he leave Vicky W high and dry? He has to do one or the other, so far as I can see. Let's dive right in...

Brace yourselves, Shadow Babies.

My name is Victoria Winters. Moment by moment, Collinwood has seen the tight coil of tension drawn closer to the breaking point, and now nothing remains but the explosion itself. An explosion centred on a small piece of metal, resting in the palm of a mans hand.

Fairly concise little bit of set up there by Vicky W. I needn't have bothered with that first paragraph! Ah well.

Roger demands to know where Burke of the Chin got the little doodad, while Devil Child David squirms like a motherfucker. He's not out of the game yet though. He's an evil genius, he'll figure something out.

Turns out his big plan is to try to do a runner. Not his best work, I'm afraid. Roger easily catches the little shite.

And just where do you think you're going?

Burke explains that he found the valve on the road when he stopped to check out the accident site while driving David home. FUCK RIGHT OFF! That drops Vicky W right in it, cos it would mean she was lying about finding it in Davids room. I'm not happy about this Burke! Not happy at all!

Roger hears Burke out, David corroborates him, because of course he would, and then Roger tells both of them to get out while he talks to Vicky W. I swear to God, if he has a go at her...

Oh, it's all right, stand down. It doesn't seem like Roger believes a word of it. Phew! Of course, now he has to panic about the fact that Burke and David are in cahoots. His two worst enemies! Poor Roger!

Burke of the Chin and Devil Child David, or Moriarty Inc. as they will henceforth be known, are having some more bonding time.

Together, we can take over the world! MWAHAHAHAHA

David is strangely insistent that he had never had the valve, despite the fact that Burke obviously knows everything. There's sticking to your story and then there's being a fucking muppet, Davey lad. You're a better criminal genius than that!

David eventually relents and admits to the truth. Or at least, stops denying it. He asks Burke if he can get over his anger and still be his friend. Which is, you know, kinda sweet. I guess. Hey, I'm not a monster! I understand that David is a child, with childlike emotions!

Just one who is also a psychotic murder baby, that's all.

Burkes response, in which he says he will be Davids friend 'just so long as you stay away from my Automobile brakes' made me giggle. Burke of the Chin is brill, he really is.

Back in the lounge, Vicky W is getting a stern telling off from Roger for letting the valve out of her sight once she had it. Yeah Vicky W! What were you thinking? Duh! She tells him to go fuck himself cos she's sick of being second guessed and I love her a little more.

It's at this point that the phone rings and as Roger goes to answer it the camera follows him and we see that some muppet has left the doors open which means Moriarty Inc out in the foyer can hear every word. Bloody stage hands!

It's Caroline on the phone; remember Caroline, she went into town to find David and was never heard from again? Anyway, she gives Roger some information that makes him shit his knickers.

It seems, right, that she checked up in town and what she found out about Burke and Davids movements don't match their story. So if Burke is lying about one thing, maybe he's lying about other stuff too. Like, oh I don't know, where he found the valve?

Look at him there, all thinking and shit.

David is showing Burke a picture of his Mum! And he's being all adorable about it! Stop making me like the Devil Child, writer man! Oh, hang on, now he's talking about how he hates Vicky W and wants to get even with her for getting him into trouble. There's the little murder baby I love to hate.

EXCITEMENT!! Roger has come crashing through the door to demand to speak to Burke. (The stagehands had  remembered to shut it this time) 

Burke makes a comment, Roger tells him he isn't funny. Burke pulls a face. I love the interaction between Burke of the Chin and Roger. Roger is so utterly outclassed in both intelligence and wit, but he just keep on plugging away!

Vicky W takes David upstairs after asking to see his photo and being denied. I'm sure we'll see more of that. We do get to watch the pair of them walk upstairs. Which is nice. Made me all nostalgic for a bit of Strange Paradise stair porn.

Roger is grilling Burke about the discrepancies in his tale. It isn't often that Roger has one over on Burke and he's enjoying himself immensely.

Look at me Burke, I'm being smug. Because I've beaten you. So NYAH!

Upstairs, David is looking winsome at the window and I have to say that while I don't like to discriminate, I much prefer when it's Vicky W doing that. Just saying. Vicky comes in and tries to mend some bridges with the Devil Child but he just snarls...

I HATE YOU

and then a huge swell happens in the music and we cut back to Roger. Which I think means David is murdering Vicky W.

Roger is still trying to berate Burke of the Chin but as usually happens Burke is cold as ice and doesn't give a fuck. Pretty soon Roger is hysterical, Burke is grinning like a loon and Roger is pouring himself another drink. Oh Roger, will you never learn? And then Burke hits him with this...

You know something Roger? I don't think you're upset because you think David tried to kill you. I think you're upset because I didn't... You wanted to hang it on me, didn't you? You were dancing in the streets because you thought you'd found a way to send me back to prison and lock the door. Well I'm sorry to spoil your fun...

Foiled, Roger old son. Foiled.

David hasn't murdered Vicky W after all. She's reading a magazine while David looks out of the window and I look at her legs. She tries to get David interested in her magazine but he's having none of it. Probably for the best, the last time someone gave him a magazine he used it to learn how to commit patricide, so...

He's at least mellowing towards her a little...

I wish you were dead! I wish a thousand ghosts would come in here and strangle...

Yeah, mellowing. Roger interrupts at this point, so we don't get to hear any more of his breath play and snuff fantasies. Having kicked Vicky W out; bit rich, since it's her room; he stalks over to David, and hovers in his personal space. David asks him what he's going to do and then we cut away. I'd say that probably means Roger is killing David, but my track record isn't the best on that kind of prediction, so let's just assume he's beating him to a pulp with his slipper. T'was a simpler time.

While the corporal punishment goes on upstairs, Burke is drowning out the screams by playing Chopsticks really badly on the piano downstairs. Vicky W joins him and they have a nice little chat about how David hates her guts and she'd better stay away from open windows, or better yet, turn around and going home.

Lest I haven't been clear enough in the past I should point out that nothing has made me happier of late than a return to the days of everyone wanting Vicky W to go home. Such memories! I love it even more than the fact that Burke is the one guy who seems to like David and even he thinks he'll throw his governess out of a window given half a chance.

Talk turns to Burkes Private Eye that he hired to dig into Vicky W's life. He offers to share his findings with her, if she'll have dinner with him. Earlier he told her he was a man of impulse and he thought he liked her, so I'm guessing this is his way of angling for a date. And who could blame him?

Just look at her

She turns him down, but I don't think we've seen the last of this development. At this point he commits what Roger would probably consider his gravest sin to date. He helps himself to some of Rogers drink! Fucking Outrage!

Upstairs, and I shit you not, David is still insisting to Roger that he didn't try to kill him! Give it up for fucks sake, Davey! You're busted!

I don't think Roger believes him

Don't lie to me David, it's no use! You're a little murderer is what you are! A rotten, lying little murderer, and you're going to get what you deserve!

Roger is really going all out for that Father of the Year award.

David does a runner downstairs to Burke but Roger drags him back and locks him in his room. Burke makes his goodbyes, 'before I wear out my welcome' but before he goes he reiterates his warning to Vicky W. Yes Vicky W, listen to Burke of the Chin; stay away from those open windows!

As the music swells and the lights fade we leave the lonely figure of the lovely Vicky W, standing in the empty foyer, looking for all the world like someone who is wondering why the  hell she is spending so much time standing around in bloody foyers. Seriously! It's ridiculous!

If nothing else, there's a chair RIGHT THERE!

And that's another episode of Dark Shadows. The car crash story does seem to be heading to a finale, which I've been asking for for a while, and a Vicky W/ Burke of the Chin flirtation could be fun (although I doubt Caroline will see it that way), so all in all I'm pretty happy with where things are going.

See you next time Shadow Babies!