Last time on Strange Paradise; Evil Mom made a play for Jean-Paul in the hopes of putting her gold digging skills to good use; Raxl demanded that a terrified Quinto (who definitely reminds me of someone but I'll be damned if I can figure out who) get in touch with Conjure Dude; and Jean-Paul speechified at Cryo-Wife for a bit about how guilty he feels or the shit he does while he's possessed by Jacques.
Oh, it was a packed show, and no mistake. They even found time to perpetrate one of the worst fucKING BAIT AND SWITCH TEASES I'VE EVER SEEN, but I'm not bitter so I'll probably not even mention it. Let's see what episode 14 has to offer.
We open on Jean-Paul, fiddling with the gauges on the tea urn and making notes, before he launches into his opening monologue.
Another day has almost passed. Another day, and another entry in this death diary. Oh Erica my darling, still there's no way that you have come back to me.
Pretty sure he fluffed that, but for the life of me I can't figure out what the line was meant to be. Anyway, it's all the monologuing we're getting for now because in rushes Doc Carr, to have a go about how Cryo-wife is dead and he needs to get a fucking grip, but he's having none of it and insists that they'll be together again. Cue titles.
When we come back the first line goes to Doc Carr;
I didn't say you'd never be together again. (pregnant pause) You'll be together IN DEATH.
Fucking voice of optimism over here! It's being so cheerful that keeps her going! And just to compound the levity and air of general good cheer he decides to take her comment as a sign that she wants him to kill himself. I can see that this episode is gonna be a bundle of laughs.
They go around the doors for a bit about the validity of the Cry-fuckery but we get nothing new so let's move on to...
|Tarot Lady, Bitches!|
It's a nothing scene, really. She reads the fortunes of a young couple then chats to Reverend Ted McGinley about Holly, and insinuates that anyone on Jean-Pauls island is most likely up excrement stream with no implement handy to fight the tide. Then it's back to said island, where Doc Carr is running upstairs.
She's a fine lady in many respects is Doc Carr, but she's no Raxl when it comes to stair traversing. She barely gets three steps up before she's distracted by the portrait of Bill Compton. Bloody amateur.
Why am I drawn to you, Jacques Elois DesMonde? And why am I drawn to the man who resembles you so? My sisters husband!
That last part distresses her so much she decides to gnaw her hand off as a form of penitence.
|Steady on Love.|
won't let her leave the island is not, as one might have assumed, because he is a crazy-ass nutjob, but rather that he simply needs her to stay on as Cryo-Wife's physician, now that the previous doctor is dead. He conveniently forgets to mention the part about how he killed the previous doctor, but I'm sure he was just sparing her unnecessary stress.
To her credit, and against the advice of her sopping ladyparts, she refuses to acquiesce and continues to insist on a christian burial for her sister. Dream on love.
After an ad break we're back, and this time we're with... Jacques and Doc Carr. Really? Almost nine minutes into the episode and aside from the 20 second scene Tarot Lady scene it's been all these two. I wonder if they're building up to something. Maybe Jacques is gonna make his move and they'll go all snog-tastic on us?
But first he has to give her a speech about how 'I have a secret that must remain a secret and the people who are here, all could reveal it.' See, because Cryo-wife! But also, because Jacques! It's, like, a subtle double meaning and shit. Also, he criticises her for saying she and the others are prisoners; no, they are 'detained guests.' Truly, he is on fine form with the bullshit tonight.
Oh. My. God. They just uttered one of the greatest puns I've ever heard. This is incredible. I'm never taking the piss out of this writer again; he's earned a lifelong free pass. Bear with me, it needs the build up;
Jacques: Come now Allison. Surely you don't find my company that repulsive?
Doc Carr: I find you, and everything you've done, distasteful and revolting.
|Methinks the lady doth...detest...too much.|
Detests too much! Fucking genius, I tell you!
Anyway, he tells her that she can whine all she likes but he's not letting anyone leave the island until Cryo-Wife is awake. End of.
Over at Cafe Le Day-Glo now, where Tarot Lady and Reverend Ted are having a chat. Let's see if they get longer than 20 seconds this time.
They do indeed, and their chat is, in a shocking twist, not dull as fuck. Reverend Ted ponders his calling as a man of God in light of his having the hots for 30year old teenager Holly, and then announces his intentions to travel to the island to help her face whatever it is that he thinks she's about to face. Tarot Lady warns him that when he gets there he will learn of an evil greater than any he ever dreamed existed.
Credit where it's due, they're doing a good job of making Jacques out to be a proper fucking evil shit. I doubt he'll live up to the hype when it comes to the endgame, but we can hope.
We nip over to the island for half a heartbeat to see Jacques leaving a recorded message for Jean-Paul telling him to make sure the guests all do as they're told while Jacques is out of action; which begs the question of where he goes between bouts of possessing Jean-Paul, but I doubt we're meant to think too hard about that. Then it's straight back to the cafe.
|I don't even know|
The Anti-Christ walks on that island. And you must be there with bell, book and candle.
Ted takes it all in his stride, because he's a square jawed hero, dammit, and they put their heads together to work out how he's gonna wrangle his way on to the island. We don't hear their talk though, because we're heading back there ourselves. To find Jacques and Doc Carr apparently still deep in the same conversation they were having
the last time we saw them together. Which was before we saw him making his tape recording. Maybe he told her he was just nipping down to the loo, or something.
And nothing happens! She asks to leave and he says no! Again! This guy is gonna wear out his lifetime pass in one episode if he's not careful.
Back to the cafe. Remember last episode when Raxl sent Quinto off to see Conjure Dude? Sure you do, I mentioned it at the top there. Keep up! Anyway, it seems that he did indeed go to see Conjure Dude, but Tarot Lady told him to fuck off, cos Conjure Dude is too old and weak to see anyone. It all happened off screen, and we only know about it now because Tarot Lady is telling Ted about it. So... maybe they hadn't cast the role yet? Or they had, but the guy was busy filming a toothpaste ad until next week?
Anyway, Ted says that if Conjure Dude can't go back to the island to help Quinto and Raxl, maybe they can be persuaded to smuggle him across to help instead. Sound enough plan, you might think, but Tarot Lady poo poos it on account of how Quinto won't do anything without Jean-Paul's say so. Errr, he came to see Conjure Dude didn't he? Am I missing something?
Tarot Lady decides that she'll get him onto the island; although we don't know how yet; and she gives him a pack of Tarot cards to give to Raxl when he gets there. Apparently she's had some kind of vision that when she dies it'll be on the island, so she isn't going along for the ride. Wimp!
Back on the island again; we're on a fucking yo yo string now; and Jacques is looking totally not fussed about Doc Carrs handwringing.
|He does not give a single fuck|
It's a moot point anyway because she's apparently decided that she's staying of her own free will. Bit of a sudden turnaround if you ask me, but she has her reasons. Namely, all his sudden mood shifts and apparent split personality has convinced her that he needs a doctor on hand. She can't help her sister, but she can help her brother in law, which is the next best thing. Also, she can try to get into his pants. (She doesn't say that last part, but I bet you she's thinking it)
|Look at her there, gazing lovingly into his deep blues. Love is most definitely in the air|
The episode winds down with Doc Carr walking upstairs; she makes it the whole way up this time and we get to watch her do it, reeeeeaaaaalllllyyyyyyyy slowly; and Jean-Paul goes down into the basement to talk to Cryo-Wife. He mainly wants to talk about Doc Carr, which I would imagine is a bit of a buzz kill for Cryo-Wife, but what do I know?I mean, if Cryo-Wife wasn't essentially an ice-pop at this stage.
Oddly enough, the theme music kicks in and the 'TO BE CONTINUED' sign floats onto the screen while Jean-Paul is mid sentence, and basically drowns out most of his speech. I'm not sure if they just over ran, or whether it was intentional, to show that he was just rambling about Doc Carr and likely to go on for some time. If that was the intention, it was pretty spectacularly botched, but I suppose with the editing facilities they were working with, they did the best they could.
So that's another episode. No Raxl, so no Raxl on the Stairs action, and Quinto didn't appear so I didn't have a chance to try to figure out who it is he reminds me of, but the plot made some deceptively large leaps forwards and the writer redeemed himself for last episodes FUCKING HORRIBLE TEASING BULLSHIT, that I'm not bitter about in the slightest, with this weeks sublime Best Pun Ever. So there's that.
Join me again next time when I'm pretty sure Reverend Ted won't make it to the island and, because it has to happen soon, Conjure Dude will make an appearance. Until then, I'd just like to remind you all that on this blog, I am God, and failure to recognise that fact will invalidate all warranties.