Dark Shadows Episode 32

Greetings, Shadow Babies, and welcome to another installment of my trek through the labyrinthine corridors of Collinwood, and the lives of it's inhabitants.

When last we stopped by this way Burke of the Chin and Devil Child David; henceforth to be referred to collectively as Moriarty Inc; had hatched a fiendish plot to clear Davids name in the case of his attempted patricide. Roger wasn't buying it though.

Oh, and Burke made what I think was the first move in an elaborate seduction attempt on Vicky W. And who could blame him? Let;s see what they have in store for us this week; take it away Vicky W...

My name is Victoria Winters. Here at Collinwood there is a moment of quiet; even the wind has subsided and the threat of a storm is a thing of the past. But there are other storms; the unending chill of fear that sweeps through the silent corridors, always reminding a man of how close he has come to death.

She's a cheery soul, is Vicky W, I've always said so. She's bang on the money this time though, because as she's talking we see the man himself, Roger of course, wandering around looking morose and being startled by every little sound. Poor creepy old man.

Luckily his loving sister Elizabeth, aka Lady of the Manor, arrives home to brighten up his night.

Actually, you know what, Lady of the Manor is far too cumbersome and I'm sick of typing it, so from now on she's Lizzie S. Ok? Ok.

So anyway, she arrives home from having visited Mathew, whose name she gets right on the first attempt, so I'm pretty sure she's drunk because that's never happened before, and because they love each other dearly they get into a disagreement. He wanders off and she looks a bit frowny'

frowny face

Aaaaaaand cue titles. When we come back she's followed him into the living room to shout at him a bit more and what is he doing?

Of course he is

It's obviously not his first, either, because he addresses her as LizDaviLiz, apparently confused as to whether he was talking to his sister or his son. You got it right the first time mate, don't overthink things.

They bicker a bit more, mainly about Davids behaviour and whether Roger is within his rights to lock him in his bedroom and throw away the key, before we cut away to...

Constable Awesome! Hells Yeah!

He's looking at some evidence that makes him want to talk to Bill. Now the thing about Bill is, I've forgotten who Bill is.

Ok, I paused the show and went back through my old posts and now I know who he is; he's the guy who disappeared for ages and when he came back I made a joke about how I hoped the writer didn't forget about him for ages again and then the writer forgot about him for ages again.

I hope the writer doesn't forget about him for ages again again.

Anyway, by a shocking coincidence the guy who hasn't been seen in ages just so happens to be in the police station wanting to see Awesome at the exact same time Awesome wants to see him. I reckon he's been squatting in the station toilets.

That sounds wrong. Moving on.

Bill has shown up to give Awesome some info that he thinks will help him put Burke of the Chin away. But it's all old news, and Awesome tells him as much. Then he asks Bill for information about the Collins family, figuring that since he manages their businesses for them he knows them better than anyone. Bill, partly because he knows which side is bread is buttered, and partly because he fancies the pants off of Lizzie S, refuses.

They go back and forth on it for a while, before Awesome reveals that he only really wants information on one member of the family in particular. Devil. Child. David. DunDunDurrr!!!!

I done figured it out yo!

Up at the house Roger and Lizzie S are arguing about David. Still. I detect a theme. BUT! We're getting some nice little tidbits here, which I don't think we knew before, although it's possible I just forgot; I did take almost a year off from watching the show after all. Bad Paul! Anyway, it seems that before Roger married his wife, she was with Burke of the Chin. It further seems that the wedding was soon enough after her being with Burke, and David was born soon enough after the wedding, that Roger has long suspected David of being Burkes kid! Hashtag PlotTwist!

That's essentially all we get out of that scene, and then we're whisked straight back to Awesome and Bill. Come on Awesome, my son, make him crack! Lock that Devil Child up for good!

Remember way back when Awesome had the wrench and David 'accidentally' touched it so he'd have an excuse for his fingerprints being on it? Remember how Burke said that he picked the wrench up after someone else had left it laying? Remember how Awesome is awesome? Well, Awesome has figured out that one of Burkes fingerprints is overlapping one of Davids. Ergo, David must have handled it long before his 'accidental' touch, and before Burke was seen with it. Ergo, David is the villain. Ergo, Awesome is FUCKING AWESOME!

LOOK AT IT BILL! JUST LOOK!

Poor Awesome though; he's all conflicted and shit. He doesn't want to arrest a little kiddy-winkle. He wouldn't be so conflicted if he knew it was a Devil Kiddy-winkle.

Up at the house Roger and Lizzie S are still fucking arguing! Roger is determined that he is going to have David locked up in some kind of secure ward for deranged young 'uns but Lizzie S is having none of it. David is family dammit, and the Collins clan doesn't turn it's back on family! She demands that Roger shut up and stay out of the way, so that she and Vicky W can give David a happier life, away from his Dads constant barrage of hate.

Roger is less worried about Davids emotional well-being than he is being brained with a rock or finding arsenic in his tea. As if Roger has ever drunk tea.

Just as they are about to reach an accord; read, Roger is about to back down, there's a knocking at the door. Who might this be?

Er... it's Awesome. Now, I'm always happy for more Awesome on my screen but I'm not sure the timing quite makes there. Ah well. Lizzie S looks ready to drop a brown one in her pants when she sees him.

Awesome wanders on in to the living room to have a chat with Roger; presumably to break the news to him that his son is a  murder baby. Once Lizzie S changes her soiled pants she joins them, and the stage is set for Roger to give an incredibly sarcastic drunken speech about family loyalty. Say what you will about Roger; that he's creepy, that he's a crap Dad, that he's not nearly as clever as he thinks he is; but he does do drunken sarcasm really really well. I'm guessing he's had a lot of practise.

lemme tell you shumthingggg

I'm not sure Awesome is impressed.

Roger is spouting all sorts of stuff about how Awesome was right all along not to think Burke was responsible, and how he and Lizzie S had been blind to the truth. Awesome keeps trying to bring up the wrench and the fingerprints but Lizzie S fobs him off with a story about how the valve had been loose for weeks and had just fallen off by itself and how sorry they are for wasting police time and won't you just fuck off and leave us alone you awesome awesome flatfoot you.

 Roger is aghast; he wants David locked up dammit! He's too busy pouring himself another drink to intervene too strongly when Lizzie S steers Awesome to the door. Awesome agrees to drop the case, since it was an accident after all, but I don't think for a second he believes it. He's too awesome to fall for such an obvious con job.

Indeed, as he's being shuffled out of the door he turns back to Roger and says...

Give my regards to your son, won't you.

Poor Awesome and Roger. Against the force of Lizzie S's will, they stood no chance.

Roger stalks off upstairs, disgust etched across his face. Lizzie S calls after him, wanting him to accept that she did the right thing;

Lizzie S: I had to lie to him, don't you see? I had to protect David!

Roger: You protected a monster Liz, and don't ever forget that. Because there will come a day, perhaps not tomorrow, but it will come, and you will regret it.

 You tell her Roger! Perfect opportunity to get the little Devil Child out of everyone's hair and she blew it! She'll rue the day when he drops a flower pot on her head, or pushes her off a cliff, or pushes a wardrobe down the stairs at her.

So that's another episode of Dark Shadows done and dusted. I got what I wanted, in that the car crash storyline seems to have been resolved, albeit in a bit of a cop out fashion. I just hope it doesn't mean Awesome is gone for good; that wouldn't do at all!

And while I'm on the subject of Awesome, what was all that about with Bill at the start of the ep? Bill turned out to be completely superfluous to the plot! I reckon they just needed someone for Awesome to explain the fingerprint thing to, the Bill actor was hanging around set and it saved them the trouble of hiring someone to play a deputy. Just a thunk.

Join me again, Shadow Babies, when we see what fresh intrigue they come up with to replace the car crash saga. My money is on Moriarty Inc kidnapping Vicky W and forcing her to play tiddly winks for 19 episodes. But we shall see.

Strange Paradise Episode 12

Who's God on this blog? I'm God on this blog! And don't you forget it!

When last we visited this Strange Paradise Doc Carr wrote a letter to her fuck buddy Dan Forrest, but couldn't get anyone to mail it for her. It was a veritable rollercoaster of emotion.

I don't know how they can even hope to top themselves this time, but let us venture now to the play button, and find out.

We open with Raxl giving Cryo-Wife a bit of a hug.

I don't know what it is with people in this house hugging what is essentially a chest freezer, but they do seem to like it. Anyway, she pontificates at the coffin for a bit then Quinto comes wandering in and Raxl immediately launches into a speech at him too. Raxl likes to speechify, I've noticed.

Quinto! The Devils strength is gaining, we cannot fight alone...The Temple of the Serpents! We must call The Conjure Man!

I don't think he likes that idea

It's ok though Quinto, because;

He will not harm you! Not again, I promise.

Not again! So what did he do last time? Eh? Quinto is obviously fucking terrified of the dude, so it must have been bad. Raxl is brooking no argument though and soon enough she's dragging poor Quinto off to see the bloke, speechifying all the while. Compassion, thy name is Raxl.

Once they're in the temple Raxl starts screaming about the Devil being loose and needing the Conjure Mans help. Cut to Tarot Lady putting her make up on. Which struck me as odd but whatever. Turns out that Raxl only fucking appears in her mirror and demands help! So I guess Tarot Lady is the go-between for auld Conjure Dude? She tells Raxl that witchcraft can't beat the Devil, they'll need God to help.

Hi!

Reverend Ted McGinley! Hey, he's a vicar! Maybe he can get God on side! Just a suggestion, like. Although he's a bit busy at the moment, stroking his bible. Er...

Seems like Tarot Lady has the same idea as me, because she soon breaks into his reveries with a request for his help in 'shaping the future.' He isn't keen. Can't she see he has moping to do GodDammit? His underage stalkee has run away from him, let him moon in peace woman. Sheesh.

They talk for fecking ages, but don't actually accomplish anything other than to remind us that he fancies Holly, so we'll move on.

Raxl, convinced that the Conjure Man will now help them, sends Quinto off to the mainland with Jean-Paul and a shopping list. She squeezes in another little speech to Cryo-Wife as well of course, because a Raxl scene without a speech is like a cricket match without a  hole in one.

Jacques decides that he should go in Jean-Pauls place, because his plans are in motion now and he doesn't want Jean-Paul to screw them up. We learn this by listening to the talking portrait of Bill Compton do a soliloquy. Yes, they point a camera at a painting and pipe in a voiceover. Because they're super high tech on this show.

There's a brief scene of Jacques being faintly obnoxious to Quinto and confiscating his shopping list, and then it's off to Cafe Le DayGlo again to see Reverend Ted McGinley, sitting around reading his bible like a good little paedophilic vicar when who should wander in but...

Holly's Mum!

Fairly sure he refused to tell her where he was going when last they spoke so God knows how she's tracked him down, but let's not dwell on that little detail. Let's see what she wants, as if we don't already know.

Her first line is a doozy, I have to give her that;

The Bible, I see. I'm not surprised you feel the need of a refresher course.

Burn!

That's as interesting as the scene gets though, because if I tell you that their conversation contains the lines 'We seem to have had this conversation before' and 'This may also seem repetitious' you'll understand why I honestly think the writer was trolling like a fucking master.

The Mum from Hell departs and in comes Tarot Lady who promises to help Reverend Ted find Holly. We're not listening to them anymore though, because we're distracted by the fact that Jacques and Quinto have wandered in and are having a very conspicuous conversation at the back of the shot. Jacques is being a right old perv.

Hmmm, yes, Jacques likey

We don't get to see Jacques seduction technique though because we cut away to the mansion where 30 year old teenager Holly is admiring the talking portrait of Bill Compton. Well, I say admiring,... I think she's meant to be nervous, but who can tell?

Her reverie is interrupted by Raxl, with a greeting that is scarcely more polite than 'da fuck you doing here, bitch?' To be fair to her, she takes this in quite good humour. I suppose she is still a guest in the house and doesn't want to rock the boat. Either that or she's planning to add Raxl to her little black Death Note book when she gets back to her room. Oh, and she appears to have caught some kind of flesh eating infection.

Stop rubbing your arm woman! It's distracting!

Anyway, they just talk about the portrait of Bill Compton for a bit and then we head on over to Cafe Le DayGlo to see what Jacques is up to. No, he's not in the toilets slipping one up that leggy lass from earlier (I am so sorry). He's at the bar, ordering himself a wee drinky-poo.

After a really laboured joke about not being able to stand the heat BECAUSE HE COMES FROM HELL YOU SEE he starts to burn the letter he confiscated last episode but is stopped by Tarot Lady, who makes him spill his drink on it. Then they saunter off to a table for a chat, leaving the half charred letter unattended which I'm sure won't be important at all.

Their conversation is quite intriguing though; they seem to be hinting that Tarot Lady is well aware that he is Jacques the 300 year old devil worshiper returned from Hell, rather than Jean-Paul the 30 something millionaire with a dead wife in the chest freezer.

At least, I think that's what they're implying. It's hard to tell. This writer struggles to stay on the right side of the subtle/obtuse border.

BUT WAIT! Here comes Holly's Mum to interrupt their conversation and flirt outrageously with 'Jean-Paul', on account of how she's a money grabbing harlot don't you know.

My husband is dead you know. Just FYI. Don't even know why I bring it up, really.

Jacques sets the cat well and truly among the pigeons by telling her that Holly is on his island, much to the chagrin of Tarot Lady, who is desperately trying to signal to him that he shouldn't. He doesn't care, Tarot Lady! He's a Baddie! Come on, you know this!

Anyway, Jacques ends up inviting Holly's Mum back to the island for some rumpy pumpy on Cryo-Wife's coffin. I mean, to allow her to reconcile with Holly. Then do some rumpy pumpy on Cryo-Wife's coffin. Tarot Lady tries to throw a spanner in the works by getting Reverend Ted McGinley invited along, but Jacques is having none of it and the happy couple head off.

Shits well and truly up her at this development, Tarot Lady heads over to the bar to read the half burned letter that Jacques, because he is a terrible villain, has left behind. Upon reading it, she makes a decision...

Operator? Get me Doc Carrs Fuckbuddy!

Shit be about to go down, yo!

Now, in a sane world that would have been the cliffhanger but this is Strange Paradise where the rules of drama need not apply, so we're off back to the house instead where Holly, skin complaint all healed up, is enjoying a relaxing read on the sofa. I don't think it's a very good book though, because she keeps nodding off, and in the end she gives up and heads off upstairs. At that very moment Jacques and her Mum arrive and upon seeing them she runs off to lock herself in her room.

Jacques reaction to this 'childish' behaviour?

Well, you know, there's a little devil in all of us.

BADOOM, and indeed, TSHHH!

And that's the end of another episode. The house is really starting to fill up now; I bet it won't be much longer before Tarot Lady and Reverend Ted McGinley are shacked up there too. It'll certainly save on sets, if nothing else.

Anyway, on this blog I am God, so when I tell you to come back next time, you can't really say no, can you?

Dark Shadows Episode 31

Last episode, Burke barged in on a big old Accuse David Of Being A Murder Baby party and whipped out that little metal doodad that everyone made all the fuss about. Will he drop David in the shoite? Will he leave Vicky W high and dry? He has to do one or the other, so far as I can see. Let's dive right in...

Brace yourselves, Shadow Babies.

My name is Victoria Winters. Moment by moment, Collinwood has seen the tight coil of tension drawn closer to the breaking point, and now nothing remains but the explosion itself. An explosion centred on a small piece of metal, resting in the palm of a mans hand.

Fairly concise little bit of set up there by Vicky W. I needn't have bothered with that first paragraph! Ah well.

Roger demands to know where Burke of the Chin got the little doodad, while Devil Child David squirms like a motherfucker. He's not out of the game yet though. He's an evil genius, he'll figure something out.

Turns out his big plan is to try to do a runner. Not his best work, I'm afraid. Roger easily catches the little shite.

And just where do you think you're going?

Burke explains that he found the valve on the road when he stopped to check out the accident site while driving David home. FUCK RIGHT OFF! That drops Vicky W right in it, cos it would mean she was lying about finding it in Davids room. I'm not happy about this Burke! Not happy at all!

Roger hears Burke out, David corroborates him, because of course he would, and then Roger tells both of them to get out while he talks to Vicky W. I swear to God, if he has a go at her...

Oh, it's all right, stand down. It doesn't seem like Roger believes a word of it. Phew! Of course, now he has to panic about the fact that Burke and David are in cahoots. His two worst enemies! Poor Roger!

Burke of the Chin and Devil Child David, or Moriarty Inc. as they will henceforth be known, are having some more bonding time.

Together, we can take over the world! MWAHAHAHAHA

David is strangely insistent that he had never had the valve, despite the fact that Burke obviously knows everything. There's sticking to your story and then there's being a fucking muppet, Davey lad. You're a better criminal genius than that!

David eventually relents and admits to the truth. Or at least, stops denying it. He asks Burke if he can get over his anger and still be his friend. Which is, you know, kinda sweet. I guess. Hey, I'm not a monster! I understand that David is a child, with childlike emotions!

Just one who is also a psychotic murder baby, that's all.

Burkes response, in which he says he will be Davids friend 'just so long as you stay away from my Automobile brakes' made me giggle. Burke of the Chin is brill, he really is.

Back in the lounge, Vicky W is getting a stern telling off from Roger for letting the valve out of her sight once she had it. Yeah Vicky W! What were you thinking? Duh! She tells him to go fuck himself cos she's sick of being second guessed and I love her a little more.

It's at this point that the phone rings and as Roger goes to answer it the camera follows him and we see that some muppet has left the doors open which means Moriarty Inc out in the foyer can hear every word. Bloody stage hands!

It's Caroline on the phone; remember Caroline, she went into town to find David and was never heard from again? Anyway, she gives Roger some information that makes him shit his knickers.

It seems, right, that she checked up in town and what she found out about Burke and Davids movements don't match their story. So if Burke is lying about one thing, maybe he's lying about other stuff too. Like, oh I don't know, where he found the valve?

Look at him there, all thinking and shit.

David is showing Burke a picture of his Mum! And he's being all adorable about it! Stop making me like the Devil Child, writer man! Oh, hang on, now he's talking about how he hates Vicky W and wants to get even with her for getting him into trouble. There's the little murder baby I love to hate.

EXCITEMENT!! Roger has come crashing through the door to demand to speak to Burke. (The stagehands had  remembered to shut it this time) 

Burke makes a comment, Roger tells him he isn't funny. Burke pulls a face. I love the interaction between Burke of the Chin and Roger. Roger is so utterly outclassed in both intelligence and wit, but he just keep on plugging away!

Vicky W takes David upstairs after asking to see his photo and being denied. I'm sure we'll see more of that. We do get to watch the pair of them walk upstairs. Which is nice. Made me all nostalgic for a bit of Strange Paradise stair porn.

Roger is grilling Burke about the discrepancies in his tale. It isn't often that Roger has one over on Burke and he's enjoying himself immensely.

Look at me Burke, I'm being smug. Because I've beaten you. So NYAH!

Upstairs, David is looking winsome at the window and I have to say that while I don't like to discriminate, I much prefer when it's Vicky W doing that. Just saying. Vicky comes in and tries to mend some bridges with the Devil Child but he just snarls...

I HATE YOU

and then a huge swell happens in the music and we cut back to Roger. Which I think means David is murdering Vicky W.

Roger is still trying to berate Burke of the Chin but as usually happens Burke is cold as ice and doesn't give a fuck. Pretty soon Roger is hysterical, Burke is grinning like a loon and Roger is pouring himself another drink. Oh Roger, will you never learn? And then Burke hits him with this...

You know something Roger? I don't think you're upset because you think David tried to kill you. I think you're upset because I didn't... You wanted to hang it on me, didn't you? You were dancing in the streets because you thought you'd found a way to send me back to prison and lock the door. Well I'm sorry to spoil your fun...

Foiled, Roger old son. Foiled.

David hasn't murdered Vicky W after all. She's reading a magazine while David looks out of the window and I look at her legs. She tries to get David interested in her magazine but he's having none of it. Probably for the best, the last time someone gave him a magazine he used it to learn how to commit patricide, so...

He's at least mellowing towards her a little...

I wish you were dead! I wish a thousand ghosts would come in here and strangle...

Yeah, mellowing. Roger interrupts at this point, so we don't get to hear any more of his breath play and snuff fantasies. Having kicked Vicky W out; bit rich, since it's her room; he stalks over to David, and hovers in his personal space. David asks him what he's going to do and then we cut away. I'd say that probably means Roger is killing David, but my track record isn't the best on that kind of prediction, so let's just assume he's beating him to a pulp with his slipper. T'was a simpler time.

While the corporal punishment goes on upstairs, Burke is drowning out the screams by playing Chopsticks really badly on the piano downstairs. Vicky W joins him and they have a nice little chat about how David hates her guts and she'd better stay away from open windows, or better yet, turn around and going home.

Lest I haven't been clear enough in the past I should point out that nothing has made me happier of late than a return to the days of everyone wanting Vicky W to go home. Such memories! I love it even more than the fact that Burke is the one guy who seems to like David and even he thinks he'll throw his governess out of a window given half a chance.

Talk turns to Burkes Private Eye that he hired to dig into Vicky W's life. He offers to share his findings with her, if she'll have dinner with him. Earlier he told her he was a man of impulse and he thought he liked her, so I'm guessing this is his way of angling for a date. And who could blame him?

Just look at her

She turns him down, but I don't think we've seen the last of this development. At this point he commits what Roger would probably consider his gravest sin to date. He helps himself to some of Rogers drink! Fucking Outrage!

Upstairs, and I shit you not, David is still insisting to Roger that he didn't try to kill him! Give it up for fucks sake, Davey! You're busted!

I don't think Roger believes him

Don't lie to me David, it's no use! You're a little murderer is what you are! A rotten, lying little murderer, and you're going to get what you deserve!

Roger is really going all out for that Father of the Year award.

David does a runner downstairs to Burke but Roger drags him back and locks him in his room. Burke makes his goodbyes, 'before I wear out my welcome' but before he goes he reiterates his warning to Vicky W. Yes Vicky W, listen to Burke of the Chin; stay away from those open windows!

As the music swells and the lights fade we leave the lonely figure of the lovely Vicky W, standing in the empty foyer, looking for all the world like someone who is wondering why the  hell she is spending so much time standing around in bloody foyers. Seriously! It's ridiculous!

If nothing else, there's a chair RIGHT THERE!

And that's another episode of Dark Shadows. The car crash story does seem to be heading to a finale, which I've been asking for for a while, and a Vicky W/ Burke of the Chin flirtation could be fun (although I doubt Caroline will see it that way), so all in all I'm pretty happy with where things are going.

See you next time Shadow Babies!

Strange Paradise Episode 11

Hello one and all and welcome to the blog on which, and I can't stress this enough, I am God.

Last time on Strange Paradise Painter Dude and Holly the 30 year old minor both wound up on the island and the talking portrait of Bill Compton told Jean-Paul that there was now enough people on the island for all their destinies to start coming to fruition.  And Reverend Ted McGinley mooned around a bit. The big old perv.

Shall we now delve into episode 11? I think we should you know.

Holly wanders onto the landing with a candle. She walks downstairs. She approaches the talking portrait of Bill Compton. She holds the candle up really fucking close to it. She walks away from it. She wanders through the doorway to the cellar.

This takes well over a minute in screen time and approximately 90 years in viewer time. I don't care how fetching the lass looks in her pajamas, a man has his limits.

It all pays dividends once she gets down into the cellar though, because Jean-Paul is there, talking to Cryo-Wife. He doesn't see her come in and she walks right up to him as he dry humps his wifes coffin while declaring his undying love. It's hilarious.

Da fucq?

Once he finally realises she's there, he tries to reassure her that everything is perfectly normal and she doesn't have to worry about the dead wife in the chest freezer. She, somewhat surprisingly, is having none of it and runs away screaming. It is, again, hilarious.

Upstairs..

It's Razl! And she's on the stairs!

AWWW YEAH! This is what the show has been missing! Motherfuckin Raxl on the motherfucking stairs, motherfuckers!

She doesn't even make it halfway down when Holly comes screeching into view followed by Jean-Paul and Raxl, upon seeing how upset the girl is, decides that this is the perfect time to start going on about how the house is cursed and the island damned. Nice job there Raxl. Really making everyone feel better. In the end Jean-Paul tells her to fuck off and put the kettle on just to get her out of the room.

We get a fairly sweet little scene next in which Holly commiserates with Jean-Paul about Cryo-wife, and doesn't even call him a lunatic or anything, and he has some kind words for her about the death of her Father, and her Mother being a moneygrubbing sociopathic harridan.

But of course the nice stuff can't last for long, and sure enough here's Raxl back with hot chocolate for everyone. Vile concoction that it is. Jean-Paul insists that Holly take hers in another room, because...

This late at night? It's a little compromising for a man and woman to be left alone together. I'm sure Raxl wouldn't approve.

Humph

So after a touch more chat Holly follows Raxl up the stairs to have her hot brown vomit drink in her bedroom and Jean-Paul is left alone with his thoughts. Oh, and with the talking portrait of Bill Compton of course.

Like her? I do. We must keep that nubile little one.

Because pervert.

Next morning, we meet Doc Carr for the first time in what feels like forever.

Here she comes, just a-walking down the stairs...

She's been in her room thinking, apparently. For 3 episodes. She's obviously got a lot on her mind. She beseeches Raxl to help her stop Jean-Pauls barn owls Cryofuckery scheme by helping to get in touch with her old fuck buddy Dan Forrest. But OH NOES!

Worst porno ever

Yes, Jean-Paul is listening to their every word! Or more accurately, he appears to be watching them film the scene on one of the set monitors. Yay Budget!

Luckily for Jean-Paul he has nothing to fear. Raxl is loyal, it seems, and will have no part of going behind his back. She proves this by walking away from Doc Carr and... going upstairs! Sadly we don't get to see another bout of stair walking from the Olympic champion because Painter Dude comes down the stairs and after they all have a bit of a natter she heads off to make breakfast.

Here's a thing though; she heads in the opposite direction to make breakfast than she did to make hot chocolate the night before. Either the house works like a Pac-Man maze or no-one involved in this show actually knows how the geography of the set is supposed to work. But that can't be true, can it?

Once Raxl is out of the way, because quite frankly who wants her around if she's not willing to make herself useful, Doc Carr explains to Painter Dude why his coming to the island to paint her sister isn't gonna work out. You know, because she's dead. And stuff. He takes it fairly well, all things considered.

He's a little confused as to why Jean-Paul didn't tell him Cryo-Wife was dead but he vows to paint the picture anyway, using photo reference. Doc Carr isn't best pleased and looks ready to all but throw him out the door. She gets awfully close to poking his eye out with that letter to Dan Forrest that's she's waving about like a madwoman. He'd not be painting any pictures if she did that!

Just post the fucking thing!

They decide between them that since Holly is, apparently, gonna get thrown off the island that very day, they can get her to mail the letter. Genius! They rush upstairs to barge into the sleeping teenage girls room and demand she help them, because if there's one time I'm most inclined to help virtual strangers with a bizarre conspiracy to stop a nutcase from going all re-animator on his dead wife it's while I'm drowsy and naked.

Of course, Jean-Paul is still listening to every word so he's just gonna decide not to kick Holly off the island after all, right? It's obvious! Come on writer man, at least try to surprise us!

Once they've gone Jean-Paul gets another message from the talking portrait of Bill Compton. It basically amounts to 'Kill them! Kill them all!'

but i don't wants to :(

Which is fine and all, but wasn't Talking Bill telling him just last episode that they were all necessary for destiny to play out? Make up your mind old son!

Cut to an indeterminate length of time later because we're in the same room but Jean-Paul is nowhere to be seen and we're watching Painter Dude trying to convince a now fully awake and dressed Holly to post Doc Carrs letter. I can see this storyline is gonna run and run.

Holly is reticent and Painter Dude resorts to telling her that Jean-Paul is a loony and she needs to leave to be safe, so she might as well take the letter with her. You know, the exact same argument that Doc Carr used on him. It has roughly the same level is success now as it did then.

Especially when Jean-Paul reappears and says that Holly knows everything and is totally cool with it, so she doesn't have anything to worry about. Except of course, it's not Jean-Paul, it's that dastardly cad of the highest order, Jacques!

They are shocked to see him, despite the fact that for a supposedly massive mansion we only ever see about 4 rooms so he was bound to show up sooner or later. But we do get this exchange, which is simply mindboggling in it's subtextual ambiguity;

Holly: Mr Desmond! Where did you come from?

Jacques: Oh, up there. [He points upstairs. Because that's where he came from. We saw him.] Oh, excuse me. Down there. [He points downwards. I have no idea why. It's clearly a clue of some sort, but I'll be damned if I can figure it out.]

HE MEANS HELL!

Anyway, he confiscates the letter, so maybe it isn't going to be quite as long running a plot as I'd thought, and then launches into a longwinded explanation about how he's going to bring Erica back to life. He uses analogies. The Arctic is mentioned. And devils. Also newspapers. I don't know.

But what's this? Someone is lurking in the background, eavesdropping on the conversation. (There's a lot of that about this episode.) It's Raxl! And she's...

On the stairs! 

She's also in full fucking view of Jacques. Espionage not Raxl's strongsuit then. Having heard what he has to say, she wanders down into the crypt to have a bit of a gossip with Cryo-Wife.

Who is he, Little Mistress? Your husband, or Jacques Elois DesMonde, a Satan out of the last 300 years? Battle lines must be drawn in the mystic world, to protect the dead, and those destined to die!

Points well raised, I'm sure you'll agree. She doesn't wait around for an answer though, because A) the episode is over and she was being shooed off stage, and B) she's talking to a dead woman! She's as mad as her fucking boss is!

And so we come to the end of another nerve shredding installment of Strange Paradise. Once again the plot has stalled slightly; because unless that letter comes up again, this whole episode seems to have been completely pointless; but for all that it rattled along fairly well and didn't outstay it's welcome. Also, RAXL ON THE STAIRS, BITCHES!

I'll be back when I'm back with another episode but until then just bear this in mind; On this blog, I am God!

Dark Shadows Episode 30

Greetings, all ye Shadow Babies, to our first visit to Collinsport of 2014. I hope we'll be more frequent visitors than we were in 2013, but I make no promises. I've learned my lesson on that score.

When last we were here we saw Burke of the Chin and Devil Child David forge the beginnings of a friendship, despite David trying to frame Burke and Burke knowing about it. We also saw Caroline make copious insulting remarks about said Devil Child, much to her Mothers chagrin, and Vicky W looked winsome at the window. A lot.

Which, if any of these plot (and I use the word loosely) threads will pick up now, as we enter the all important episode 30? Who can tell? Well, we can, by diving right in.

My name is Victoria Winters. A brewing storm buffets the great house on Widows Hill, and angry spirits out of a dim past seem to pound against it's walls, demanding admission. There is no sound in the house; nothing but the echo of thunder and the whine of the rising wind. Yet the emptiness seems alive; alive with fear and tension that build on a single terrifying fact. I am alone.

A fairly long expository voiceover there from Vicky W, certainly by recent standards. And since it doesn't mention any of the recent Burke/David/Maggie/Awesome developments, and does mention Vicky herself, we can probably assume we're gonna get a change in focus this ep. Lots of Vicky W would be nice, I don't mind admitting.

And sure enough, we seem to be getting a cold open that is just her wandering around the house. Now she's closing a window against the wind. Now she's freaking out because a door closed by itself. And now the lights have gone out and she needs to light some candles. All pretty banal stuff, to be sure.

But what's this?

It's, wait for it... A Dark Shadow! BOOM!

I have no clue what is happening right now. Is this one of the ghosts they've been teasing since the start? If it is, oh my God how cheap does that ghost look?!? If it isn't...fuck knows. It disappears, Vicky W freaks out some more, and we head into the titles. I AM NOW SO STOKED FOR THIS EPISODE!

Aaand, we're back! The lights have come back on, so Vicky W is free to use one of the candlesticks to arm herself as she goes in pursuit of whatever the hell that was we just saw. Cos she aint no cower in the corner type of gal!

She doesn't get far before she bumps into Creepy Roger. Creepy Roger has just got home he says, and had popped down to the basement to replace a fuse, on account of he'd found the lights off. All makes sense, right? Yeah.

Roger and Vicky W head into the sitting room where Roger, because he's been indoors more than 30 seconds without one, pours himself a drink.

Because what else would Roger do?

The question of who or what the strange figure is is quickly forgotten as talk turns to David being missing. 'Spare me the details, Miss Winters' says Roger and 'I've worried about him for 9 years, right now I've got more important matters on my mind.' Just in case we'd forgotten what a terrific Dad he is. When they get to discussing how David tried to break into Burkes room he says 'Now there's a combination. The two people I dislike most in the world.'

I shouldn't laugh, but I just love how open everyone is about despising a nine year old kid. Even if he is a Devil Child, you'd think they'd put a face on it.

Soon enough,Vicky W is blurting out her theory about David being the bad guy, not Burke. Roger acts like he doesn't believe her, that it was deffo Burke wot done did it,  but the look on his face says different.

That little SHIT!

And speaking of Burke of the Chin, here he is, ruminating over what to do with Devil Child David for trying to frame him. I'd just abandon him in the woods and let the storm take care of him, but that's just me.

We get a nice little bonding scene here, with David apparently deciding that Burke is pretty decent after all; the offer to buy him a puppy might have had something to do with that; and David even tries to recover the evidence that he planted; not realising that Burke has already found it. He doesn't get a chance though, and heads off home feeling all guilty and shit.

He's a right old laugh on the car ride home.

That's his worried look

Up at the house, Vicky W is explaining the plot of the last couple of episodes to Roger and it seems he believes her about David trying to kill him. He's being far more reasonable in the face of the evidence than his sister was last time. Whoda thunk he had it in him?

Also, he seems...sad? Like, he's upset that David tried to kill him. I'd have thought he'd be chuffed. Firstly, it means Burke of the Chin isn't actively trying to murder him, which must be a relief, and also it means that he now has the perfect opportunity to get rid of his Devil Child. Win/Win Roger old son! Cheer up!

The sadness doesn't last long though, and pretty soon he's all...

Roger Angry! Roger Smash! Roger Have Another Drink!

Burkes here! Of course Roger wastes no time in berating his newly returned son, right in front of Burke; because say what you will about the Father of the Year, he's very open about his hatred of  Devil Children. After he's dragged David behind closed doors for a leeetle chat Burke hovers around, despite Vicky W's best efforts to make him leave. He wants to know what Roger and David are discussing; ostensibly out of concern for David, but who knows? Cos I mean, this is Burke of the Chin we're talking about here.

And it looks like he'd be right to worry, from the way Roger is brandishing that magazine.

Corporal Punishment FTW

David is, as David does, attempting to talk his way out of all the shit he's in by basically blaming someone else. Namely, Vicky W. She's making it all up, you see. She never found the evidence in his room at all! Roger will never believe him though on account of he hates his fucking guts.

Once Roger makes this point abundantly clear to David, we head out into the foyer where Burke and Vicky W are still diligently standing around looking for all the world like two people standing in a foyer for far longer than two people would ever stand around in a foyer. Burke is looking at the clock. For the lols.

After giving us a history lesson about said clock Burke makes my heart sing by telling Vicky W to turn around and go home. Oh how I've missed people telling Vicky to go home. And emphasises his point by saying...

There's something going on in that room, and if my guess is right, you're loving in a madhouse and you'd better get out of here while you still can.

...which if nothing else makes him a pretty good judge of character.

Back to Roger berating David. He's waving that magazine in the kids face. You know, the one with the instructions on sabotaging cars. Yeah, that one. The one David left in Vicky's room, an act he's now denying any knowledge of. This little shit is determined to blame Vicky W for the crash.

Roger: You have an answer for everything don't you? It doesn't matter who takes the blame for this does it?

Roger knows the score yo!

Giving up on trying to get David to confess alone, Roger opens up the floor to new speakers. Or drags Vicky W in to tell her story again. And wouldn't you know it, as soon as Vicky mentions that she found the evidence while she was looking for the letter David stole from her room...

That's why you're making it up! Because I took your stupid letter!

This kid never gives up! Fucking criminal mastermind! Of course, he then goes into a rant about how he never had the valve. And...

He of the Chin sees all

Yes, Burke has just been chillin in the doorway the whole time, and of course he knows full well that David did have the valve, because the little shit planted it in his room last episode. Will he grass him up though? Oooh, the tension!

Burke: Excuse me!

Roger: I thought I told you to leave?

Burke: I know, but I thought I might be able to help. Is this what you've been looking for?

Oh snap!

Shit gettin real, yo!

And that's the end of the ep. We're left to wonder just how Burke will explain being in possession of the valve, and try as I might I can't think of an explanation that doesn't drop either Vicky W or Devil Child David in the shit. If he turns on my Vicky there'll be hell to pay!

If you want to know, you'll have to come back when I watch it. Or, you know, watch it yourself. If you like. Or do both! Yeah, that's a good idea, I'm glad you thought of it! See you then, Shadow Babies.

Strange Paradise Episode 10

If you read the last Strange Paradise post you will be aware that I got slightly annoyed with the show because it took an entire episode to do absolutely nothing. So much nothing that I'm not even gonna do a 'Last time on...' this week. Let's just dive in and see if it redeems itself. Episode 10, do your worst!

We open on Quinto wandering around the house. For over a minute. So...that's a good start. Also, it seems to indicate that they've given up on the expository introductions narrated by Jean-Paul. Nice consistency.

As Quinto is going walkabout we skip over to Cafe Le DayGlo to see Holly telling concerned friend/creepy stalker priest Reverend Ted McGinley to leave her alone. I don't know what he was expecting when he turned up unannounced, but she sure aint happy to see him.

Get your damned dirty hands off me you fiend!

She storms off and, because he's really good at taking hints, he tries to follow her. Luckily Painter Dude, who seems to spend all his time wandering in and out of the cafe, blocks his exit. Well done, Painter Dude.

Quinto is still wandering around. He goes into what I think is some kind of shed or barn or something. For added excitement, he closes the door behind him while looking at the camera really gormlessly. At this point we've obviously reached our limit for tension, because we cut to the titles.

And it's a good job we do because immediately upon the titles ending we're back on Quinto, who walks through the barn and then... ducks below camera shot? I think we're meant to think he's gone down like a trapdoor or something, but all we see is him just dropping off the bottom of the picture. Because high tech! But can you imagine if we'd seen that without the break for the titles? We'd have positively burst with excitement!

Cafe Le DayGlo is seeing it's own fair share of excitement too, because Reverend Ted and Painter Dude are coming dangerously close to having cross words. The extras in the background are looking worried

The guy from Big Bang Theory is especially worried

and well they might, because if shit did kick off I'm not sure the sets could take it. Luckily the two hardmen suddenly decide to become best chums and have a good old laugh about the whole thing. Because of course they do. After slagging off Hollys Mum for a bit, Reverend Ted heads off to his room and Tarot Lady stops in to give Painter Dude a mission. It goes a little something like this...

You're really close friends with the underage girl you only met several hours ago so I want you to talk her into packing up her shit and going back where she came from; even though that would mean heading back into the clutches of an evil manipulative parent who wants to have her committed in order to steal her inheritance; because my Tarot cards keep predicting bad shit for her if she stays here.

That Painter Dude does not immediately reply with 'Fuck off you absolute mentalist'  speaks volumes about him. And oh look, here's Holly back. What perfect timing. He talks to her for a bit and while, to his credit, he doesn't tell her to turn around and go home; he'd be on the wrong show if he did; he does make fun of her reasons for leaving home. Because he's sensitive. 30 seconds of conversation with him and she looks like this.

MAKE IT GO AWAAAAYYYY

He insults her intelligence a little more, she tells him to fuck off and then they forget they're arguing so they can start talking about someone else. Just like Painter Dude and Reverend Ted did. I'm starting to think Cafe Le DayGlo is a TARDIS with a working Temporal Grace circuit. (Doctor Who references FTW)

They chat about Tarot Lady for a while; Holly thinks she's 'The Most' because that's totally something a hip young thing would say, and not at all a 30 something man trying to write young. Then their utterly fascinating conversation is cut off by their noticing that Jean-Paul has arrived.

Jean-Paul in the hizzouse

And he's talking to Quinto! Who was at the house, ON ANOTHER ISLAND, but a scene or two ago. I mean admittedly we did see him fall into a hole; or whatever, you know; so maybe that was a Magical Portal Of The Writer Doesn't Understand How Time and Distance Work. You never know.

Painter Dude wanders off with Quinto, while Jean Paul and Tarot Lady have a chat.  She used to read his cards, she says, but now is afraid to. He tells her she's taking her heredity too seriously and she replies with:

I can't escape it. Any more than I can The Conjure Man. 

Whoa there, woman! The Conjure Man? Just gonna drop that in the middle of a conversation like it's, you know, normal? The fucking Conjure Man? Sheesh.

Oh, turns out it's totally normal. Jean-Paul is just all like, 'ah yes, The Conjure Man, how is the old chap, keeping well is he?' And she's all, 'yeah, he just chillin in his crib, aint no thing.' It's all very strange. Although the scene does redeem itself by providing the most hilarious reading of the line 'No man should live alone' that I've ever heard. So, you know, bravo Jean-Paul.

But there's no time to dilly dally, the boat is all loaded with his shopping and there's at least two carrier bags of freezer stuff so Jean-Paul has to leave. But not before...

Jacques in the hizzouse

Jacques is back! What shit will he get up to this time? Last time he made an appearance he tried to cop off with Doc Carr, will he now try it on with Tarot Lady? I bet he does! The swine!

Oh, he hasn't. Ah well. Instead he just does his usual shtick of being obnoxiously cheerful and then fucks off, leaving Painter Dude and Tarot Lady to say their goodbyes and have a bit of a conversation about how weird he is.

Quick cut over to the island, because you didn't think we were going to see any of the journey, did you? Hah! Quinto is sent ahead with the packages and then Painter Dude is led off up the hill by Jean-Paul. At least, I think it's Jean-Paul. He's acting like Jean-Paul. But then, if it is, what was the point of him turning into Jacques for all of about 20 seconds in the previous scene? Has the writer gone mad? It's a fair bet.

None of that is the point of this scene though. Oh no, there's something far more important going on. You see, once they've all fucked off up the hill to the house, who should pop up out of the boat but...

Holly in the hizzouse

Holly! No good will come of this!

Oh no! Quinto is back and Holly is freaking out! I told you no good would come from this! Mind you, I can't help feeling she's overdoing it a bit. I mean, yes, he's all very Uncle Fester and everything but she's seen him about on the mainland, so it's not like his appearance should come as a surprise. Silly blonde girl. (I'M JOKING! HASHTAG DONTHATEME)

It's all right, she's calmed down now. Quinto has offered to carry her bags for her so she's totally cool with him. Typical woman, amirite? (Please see previous disclaimer)

Painter Dude is admiring the portraits up at the house. Jean-Paul tells him that the one he is going to paint will be the most beautiful of all. I think that's meant to be him saying his wife is beautiful but it just sounds like a threat. 'YOU WILL PAINT A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE, DO YOU HEAR ME, YOU WILL!' I'm still not sure if we're meant to be seeing Jean-Paul or Jacques. I'm not sure the actor knows.

Back at the cafe Tarot Lady is reading some Tarot Cards, because that's all she knows how to do if there's no-one around to terrify with dire warnings of death. She's not alone for long though because Reverend Ted McGinley wanders into shot and starts sticking his oar in. As if a ruddy vicar would understand superstitious twaddle that preys on the fear of the unknown to convince people it knows what's best for them.

The powers of the Tarot may be the magicians way to power, but they are also the souls way to God. Any path that leads to God should have a Ministers approval.

Yeah, whatever you say mate.

Of course, Reverend Ted isn't just making polite conversation, or what passes for it in this show. Oh no, he wants to question her about Holly. She claims not to know anything about her, even though she's been happy enough to tell anyone who'd listen about her dire fate up until now, but says she's determined to find out where she's gone, 'for reasons of my own.' She wants to go all Girls In White on her ass doesn't she? That's totally it.

Gon' break her in real gooood

Speak of the devil, Holly has just arrived at the house. Jean-Paul is all fuming ass angry about it at first but she tells him that she's on the run from a world that bugs her and he's the only man in the world who could possibly understand; which makes absolutely zero sense but who cares at this point; and he's all 'aww shucks, well when you put it like that you can stay as long as you like, pretty underage girl I've never met before in my life.'

So, you know, all's well that ends well.

Once he's sent both Holly and Painter Dude off to their rooms, because they're both 12, Jean-Paul has a nice sit down in his favourite chair next to the talking portrait of Bill Compton. You'd think he'd know better by now. Sure enough, the talking portrait starts talking to him.

Bring us no more guests. We have enough to resolve our destiny, and theirs. So says the talking portrait, and it's a sentiment that doesn't go down at all well with Jean-Paul.

He's no a happy chappie

And... it looks like... yep, that's it. The last two minutes is literally just a long slow pull out from his face, and then the credits play, still over him sitting in the armchair looking miserable. You've gotta pity the actor. Fair play to him though, he only fidgets a tiny bit.

This has been a massive improvement on the last episode, there's no denying it. I mean, minuscule as it may be their has been some forward momentum, and now that more of the cast are converging on the house it seems like the main plot may finally be about to kick into high gear. Cautious optimism is engaged. Sort of.

So I'll say goodbye, and leave you with this thought; On this blog, I am God. And don't you forget it.